Dear Humans,
I understand you are organising a very important day. I have reviewed the current arrangements from my position underneath the table and identified several opportunities for improvement.
Please consider the following my formal proposal.
The guest list
Everyone I like should come. This includes both of you, the person who smells of the beach and the neighbour who pretends not to carry treats but absolutely does.
People I have not met are also welcome. I assume they are friends we have not sniffed yet.
The vacuum cleaner will not receive an invitation.
The entrance
You have spent a surprising amount of time deciding how to enter a room.
My recommendation is enthusiastically.
If someone you love is waiting at the other end, go towards them with your whole body. Humans make this far more complicated than it needs to be.
The ceremony
I appreciate that you have important promises to make. Please make them properly.
After that, I suggest we all go outside and enjoy the fact that we are together. We could stand around talking, but we could also walk slowly past a particularly interesting tree. I am happy to lead this activity.
The food
There should be enough for everyone, at the right time, without unnecessary suspense.
I have requested my own dog-safe dinner. Apparently, your wedding food is not automatically suitable for me. This is disappointing but has been explained by a responsible adult.
No further questions at this stage.
The photographs
My best angle is the one in which I am comfortable and someone I love is beside me.
I understand this may also be your best angle.
I will participate briefly, provided nobody expects me to understand the phrase “just one more” indefinitely. I would like my familiar person nearby, a drink of water and somewhere quiet afterwards.
The speeches
Say the kind things. Tell people you love them. Mention the person who always shows up.
Then stop before everyone needs a walk.
The evening
You may wish to dance. I may wish to go home with someone I trust. Both can be arranged. My enjoyment should not depend on staying awake until your final song.
My most important recommendation
You do not need to impress the people who already adore you.
They came because you are their people. They want to see you happy. Some of them have travelled quite a long way and would also appreciate a comfortable seat.
Spend time with them. Eat something. Get some fresh air. Be delighted when someone arrives.
Yours faithfully,
Head of Unconditional Enthusiasm
Thinking of giving your real dog a role in the celebration? Read our guide to including your dog in your wedding day and talk through arrangements with our wedding coordinators. This fictional planner has excellent intentions, but still needs supervision.